Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Vodka?
Forever.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
