she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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