I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
God I need to hump something, right now.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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