There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
