I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
