My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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