If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
