Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
