david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
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You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
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So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first