it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
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I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.