Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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