Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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