i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
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Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
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By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize