my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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