the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
