I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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