He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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