I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
