she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
