I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
