I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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