I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
you never un-have a 4some
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
