if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
two words: eviction party
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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