I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
