If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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