You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
