Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
