it wasn't lemon gatorade
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
