Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
