I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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