You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
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My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
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My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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