Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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