Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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