so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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