Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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