Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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