Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
