I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Drake has all the answers
Randomize
