she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
