If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
