Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
