Cold hands, warm shart.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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