Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
