the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
