its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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