One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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