I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
God I need to hump something, right now.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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