Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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