puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
