Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
