I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
