stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
