trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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