Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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