I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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