I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we're making bets on your personal life
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
