I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
