I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
