I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
