hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
