he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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