Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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