I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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